Now that I'm Twittering, I find myself having the desire to share more than 140 characters on a regular basis. Will this mean blogging again? Perhaps.
I am finding over and over that while I have many interests, I have only one passion. I may get into something for a while, but I eventually see that I am nothing; that all pursuits of my flesh are worthless at best, and terrifying at worst.
I'm at Coffee Fest and it's really cool. And this is my trade. I want to develop my skills & knowledge. I want to do it well. But this will never be my consuming passion.
In my job I want to put out a quality, consistent product, have great customer service, a happy, hardworking, competent staff, and grow the business. But none of those things are my consuming passion.
I'm afraid I have gotten to the point in my journey where I am hopelessly lost in him. The idea of loving anything more than him, of pursuing anything more than him ... kind of terrifies me. All I have to offer to anyone...is him. Nothing makes sense but his way. I can comprehend other ways, but they seem desperately futile.
If I were to leave him, I would have to relearn how to live. I know nothing outside of him anymore.
I am in him.
Whichever way you're going, you choose it & you work for it, till you are doing it without even trying. Till you're a slave to it.
I am his slave.
And I love it. And he is my consuming passion. Nothing else can ever satisfy me.
And where I used to say that as a desire, I say it now as a reality. Even when I try to find satisfaction elsewhere, I can't.
I think this is something like maturity. I am utterly consumed.
