Ending the dualism.

Friends, thanks for your feedback. What Meredith said-- "I just don't want you to have yet another thing that makes you deal with your whole dual life issue." --really made me reconsider just focusing in on one aspect of my life. Because I really do feel like that's something God is doing in me right now--ending the dualism between my two worlds of Chicago and Macomb. And not "dualism" in some evil sense. Just in the sense that I feel torn between the two worlds. And when I'm trying to play this part of a model, it's hard to feel like myself.

Because, for example, there's a lot in me that hates mainstream fashion...hates heels...hates expensive or uncomfortable clothing...hates promoting myself...how does hating that stuff fit into being a model? I know that a person's external appearance doesn't matter at all. And yet, that's what I'm selling. But somehow, I think those things can fit into being a model...I know that sounds crazy. But I think it just means I am a different kind of model. Like, as Christians, we do what we are good at doing, but we do it in a different way--the way of Jesus. I'm trying to figure out how to bring the gifts & values that I feel like God has given me and cultivated in me into this crazy world of fashion modeling. And in that dark place I can be light. In that tasteless place I can be salt.

And to a certain extent, that's what I've been doing there. But there's so much more that God wants to work out inside of me so that he can impact the darkness around me to a much greater extent.

It's like first I had to figure out how to be a model. Now it's time to figure out how to be a different kind of model.

Getting this all worked out inside of me is hard. But it's good. Lord, have your way.